Everyone
Down at Squawk News
Loved Christmas a lot . . .
But were certain
The ACLU
Did NOT!
“The ACLU would have Christmas abolished!
All the carols unsung, all the crèches demolished!
When you hear ‘Happy Holidays,’ it’s an insult!
And we know who to blame – it’s the ACLU’s fault!”
And the pundit Bill Grinch, a well-known Squawk News host,
Truly hated the ACLU cause the most.
As he scowled and he frowned and he sneered with a pout,
He exclaimed, “There’s just one holiday we care about!”
And the more Bill Grinch thought of the Christmastime war,
The more that he thought, “We can stand for no more!
“Why for many long years we’ve put up with it now,
We MUST win the war on Christmas!
...But HOW?”
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
BILL GRINCH
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” he exclaimed with a laugh.
And he quickly assembled his interns and staff.
And he chuckled and clucked, “What a tour de force!
We’ll assemble a team and go right to the source!
A Squawk News Exposé! Yes! We’ll show everyone!
That the ACLU’s Enemy Number One.”
At the ACLU, windows glowed with warm lights.
While their lawyers worked hard to defend civil rights.
The Squawk News van pulled up and began to unpack.
And they brought in a Santa, with coal in his sack.
“When Santy Claus tells them this year they’ve been naughty
They’re bound to get angry, or violent, or haughty!
And once people see that they’re mean and unpleasant,
It’s then we’ll reveal that we brought them a present!
A beautiful Christmas tree, gold, green, and red!
They’ll explode when they see it, just watch!” Bill Grinch said.
“And when they get mad the whole country will see,
Just how much they hate Christmas!” he cackled with glee.
So they pushed through the door with their cameras running,
Their Santa ho-ho-ing, their drummer boy drumming.
As the ACLU workers jumped to their feet,
All the Squawk crew got ready to broadcast and tweet.
But then what occurred … to Bill Grinch’s surprise,
Why, the ACLU staff all gave happy cries.
“Look, it’s Santa!” said one, with a big, friendly smile.
“Wow, cool tree!” said another, “Come in for a while!
We were just sitting down to our holiday feast.
Have some egg nog and cookies, or even roast beast!”
“I don’t understand,” Bill Grinch said, his mouth gaping.
“We know you hate Christmas! That’s the reason we’re taping!”
But the staffers just laughed. “Why, that’s not true at all!
We’ll defend every holiday, major or small!
We’ve even helped public school students hand out
Christmas candy canes coupled with letters devout.
In fact, we love Christmas, and Hanukkah too!
And Kwanzaa and Solstice, if that’s what you do.
But our great Constitution forbids one misdeed:
Official promotion of religious creeds.
For as long as the government remains unbiased,
The wall of separation will be the highest.
And what happened then?
Well, the legends all say
That at Squawk News their hearts grew three sizes that day.
And the minute that happened, Bill Grinch realized
That the whole Christmas fight was sensationalized.
“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “isn’t under attack.
Maybe ACLU staff are on the right track.
For it’s only when government’s out of the way
That all can celebrate freely their holidays.”
And the minute his heart didn’t feel quite so tight,
Bill Grinch decided to call it a night.
He turned to the camera and said, “No news here.”
“There’s no War on Christmas; there’s nothing to fear.”
May all your holiday wishes, no matter how unlikely, come true.
Love, the ACLU
